Today I’m feeling pretty pissy and mad. Work is silly, everyone is on my nerves, I have no will to blog and I blew off Stitch n Bitch last night at Synergy even though it’s the first Monday in a while I’ve actually been available. I think that in my war with the Frost Flowers & Leaves Shawl the shawl might be winning. I had a good time knittin’ to the politicos on Sunday but now the idea of picking it up in the evening to work less than a full round just seems pointless. Plus I’m debating (still!) about how many rounds of chart two to do. I think I need to get a few rows in to chart three before I’ll be able to measure between my lifelines and make a decision.
I had a great talk with a friend last night who is at a sort of crossroads in a big project-y kind of thing in her life. I think I gave her pretty decent advice — or at least the advice I should now be giving myself. When in doubt, over-structure your way out of a problem. Make a list, or several, and make sure to make a list of your lists. Know your next steps, and the steps after your next steps, and hopefully soon, just by watching your feet diligently as you put one foot in front of the other, you’ll look up and realize you’re out of the scary jungle.
The shawl: I’m feeling overwhelmed because it’s a huge project and I don’t know how much more there is to go.
My life: I have no idea what I’m doing, or what I want to be when I grow up, and I feel like an old crone, and the thought of starting over in a new career is not only terrifying but just plain depressing. I’m hardly moving up the ladder at a rapid pace, but the idea of paying dues from the very bottom all over again just makes me feel tired. Even writing this right now is making me feel trapped and tired.
One of my favorite of the many weird and wonderful Shel Silverstein poems I grew up with is the one about the tiny little girl who ate a whale: “she took small bites, and chewed very slow, just like a good girl should, and, in eighty-nine years, she ate the whale, because she said she would.” So I just need to take small bites. Set little goals. Goal 1: blog every day this week. Goal 2: Finish the second repeat of FF&L chart two this week. Goal 3: Go to SnB sometime this week or next. Goal 3: Get through the first four rounds of the third repeat of chart two before the end of the weekend. Goal 4: Make some lists before the end of the month.
Wish me luck!